10. The bride’s father is wearing his formal camoflage.

9. The ring bearer is wearing his commemorative Dale Earnhardt diaper (and nothing else).

8. The preacher is also the caterer, organist, program printer and volunteer fireman (that’s a separate post).

7. Before the wedding begins, you are forced to listen to a 70-year-old woman salivate over Hugh Jackman to your 60 year-old mother, then use disturbing southern euphemisms to describe the things he could do to her – e.g. “He could put his shoes under my bed ALL NIGHT.”

6. The entire buffet is pork. Pork BBQ. Pork chops. Pork skins with pork chili dip. Dessert pork rinds with sugar, cinnamon and lard icing (ok that last one I made up).

5. The best man proposes a toast to the groom by tapping his Bud Light bottle with his tin of Skoal. “Ya’ll shut up I’mbouta say sumthin.”

4. One of the ushers is late because he’s being issued a ticket and fine by the state wildlife ranger for shooting too many ducks on his daily morning hunt.

3. The reception is in the newest trailer in the newly expanded west wing of the trailer park. Don’t hate.

2. The sod hasn’t arrived at the newest trailer in the newly expanded west wing of the trailer park, and it is raining, so guests must be ferried into said trailer by ATV complete with mud/rain gear and wader boots for each guest.

1. Instead of “Here comes the bride”, the Carolina Gamecock Fight Song is played as the bride walks down the aisle.

I swear it’s like a damn Faulkner novel with my dad’s family. Epic, I tell you!

Tags: family, redneck, south carolina

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